A Monster Under My Bed
when i was 5, the universe was so small, all i wanted was french fries, and my mom to hold me close. i knew nothing yet i think i was happy, but at night i was so afraid, of monsters in my closet and hands under my bed. i never slept, i think she started to hate me. she told me bad things so i would sleep, she made me more afraid, i cried in my bed alone in the dark. the universe kept getting bigger and i kept getting smaller. i needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be ok, but she couldnt find ok in herself. i wish i was 5 again, so i wouldnt be so afraid, so she could love me, without a world of resentment - like i said the universe kept getting bigger and so did i. i just didnt realize the bigger i got, the more i took. grabbing pieces of her life, at some point i wanted more than french fries. but i was mixed up, i was just hungry and afraid, my mind was bigger than my words, and everything came out wrong. i made her angry. and i shrunk as i grew. i wanted to sleep, cause i knew if i was awake, the devil would come, she told me so, the pressure to sleep sucked the tiredness from my eyes, and made me so awake, i never slept. i wish i was 5 again, so i could sleep now at 34, id go back and be a better kid. id go back and make her love me, so she could love me now, so i could love her without fucking up. and somewhere , in some time, at some age, my mom transformed, i dont look to her at the foot of those deep dark stairs anymore, when i crawl from bed, half naked, lack of sleep holding open my eyes, it isnt her im looking to save me anymore, she never did and she never will, so i search for her, in everything and everyone, stop for fries please mom, i swear ill be good, she is now in the woman i love, but i want french fries, and i want not to be scared, but that monster is still in my closet and those hands are still under my bed, older and more decrepit, but i know in my 5 year old heart they still want to tear me apart, more than ever before, because almost 30years later i am still afraid of making her mad, im still afraid of standing on those stairs , just waiting for someone to save me from the dark under my bed, the dark in my closet and most of all the dark in my head, mom.
posted by swordpoet @ 6:38 PM
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