Cranky Babies: A Fable
Sometimes the only logical thing to do is ask questions. Babies unfortuantely can not formulate logic, therefore they dont ask questions and fall into unprecedented bouts of crankiness. They throw their food and shout in what might be latin, or backwards devil english, who knows, but its never logical. Sometimes they roll on the floor like a tornado that doesnt know which way is up, wrecking a newly vacummed rug. After hearing this story, I dont think i like babies, but lets be realistic, who can live without them; cute smiles and laughing mouths, but completely without brains, try and teach them to dance; they cant even keep a rythmn, unless they are computer animated - and dont even get me started on how hard it is to get them to sit still while you try to hook up some usb cords and modem wires. But i digress, let me tell you a story about cranky babies.As all stories start: once upon a recent time, in a town, very close to home, lived, well existed, cuase we all know babies cant really live on their own, two babies - blue baby and brown baby. bb and bb, as every one called them; people on outskirts of town at first loved them from afar, cuase they were babies, and everyone likes babies; they are cute. But as adults are logical, they knew better than to get too close, because brown baby and blue baby were notorious for bouts of crankiness that spread dark clouds and bought terrential rain to the neighbooring town. Causing the adults to buy very expensive flood insurance.
Ask me questions if you must. Remember questions equal logic and it is logic that seperates you from the babies.
So as i was saying, these two babies lived, umm i mean existed, together in their own little home, made of sugarcanes and cotton candy; they knew nothing of adult food, like bbqs and shrimp kabos. Sometimes a brave newcomer from the adult world would cross the licorace barbed wire fence with a nice bowl of home grown salad, only to return to their laughing neighboors with a new salad hat. As the adults came to learn these babies only liked sweets. Sometimes the babies would fight over their edible house, being babies, they were too stupid to ask questions, and fought in a silent huff thick with an illogical crankiness. It was these fights that never ended until the babies took what they wanted to satisify a very unhealthy and very very illogical appetiate, eating themselves out of, as they say, house and home. As their home got smaller and smaller and their voracious hunger grew more and more, the babies became even crankier and crankier. The adults were at a loss, as the rain pounded their water soaked gardens, flooding their vegetables; tomatoes and eggplants floated away in record numbers and to make matters worse the insurance company raised their rates expotentially. The adults were hungry and broke.
One semi-cloudy day, the blue baby had woken up cranky for no reason, so she thought, as the story teller and an adult i know logically that she woke up cranky becuase the babies had eaten the gramcracker pie thatched roof the night before. The babies woke up cold, in different rooms, what were rooms, of the house, early and hungry. The fit of crankiness over took blue baby and quickly spread to brown baby, as she didnt know to ask blue baby the simple question: "why are you cranky?" The two babies sat looking at eachother for what could have been in fairy tale time, 88 years, but for the sake of the adult perspective, 8 minutes. That is all it takes for babies to panic, and let their crankiness explode like thunder storms into the already saturated neighboring town. Tne babies rolled inpatiently round the floor of what used to be their home, suddenly realizing they could lick the lollipop screws, that were left. Licking and licking with wild abandon the screws quickly dissolved into a tasty paste that coated the babies bellies, but as all stories go, not for long.
The next morning both babies woke in an incredible aura of crankiness that was never seen before in this part of the country. Their home was gone and they were hungry. They opened their little baby mouths to the heaven and screamed cranky latin phrases that infilterated the neighbooring town, bringing swift and sudden panic to its adult inhabitants. Before the adults would rise from bed, the babies were quickly storming the town; their stubbly legs threw them towards the adults' fences like monstrous golbs of jello. All the adults in the town cried in fear and asked questions quickly to eachother, as they needed to stop the avalanche of crankiness that barrelled recklessly towards them. One adult, stood up at the gate, and waited calmly for the babies and their worldwind of crankiness to clumsly arrive. The adult was only armed with one thing - logic. She waited to ask her hungry fearful towns people one question.
The babies arrived in a mess of cranky limbs and frowning mouths. And stopped at the one adults out stretched hand, new to rules, they halted in shock. The adult opened her mouth, turning from the insatiable babies, and asked her townspeople one question:
Logically she asked, "Do you know what they do to cranky babies?"
They responded, "No, what do they do to cranky babies"
Knowing that they were the THEY that she talked about waited in bated anticipation to hear the answer that would solve all their problems.
She answered, "They deep fry them, to make them crispy."
Suddenly, as if awoken from a slumber of fear the townfolks, grabbed their pots and pans, their deep fryers, their oil, and their deep gnawing hunger, and prepared to welcome the completely, illogical, cranky and unsuspecting babies.
The town survived, no longer growing healthy vegetables, but feasting on the deep fried delicious crankiness that is inherent to all babies.
As all fables have a moral, this is it: next time, if someone asks if you like babies, remember to logically respond:
"I like my babies extra crispy."
posted by swordpoet @ 11:51 AM
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